How to talk to someone with social anxiety

If you know someone has social anxiety, or notice they are struggling, being sensitive to their needs can help build connection and make the conversation feel easier. People with social anxiety may already feel like they are different or being judged, so it’s all the more important to get a feel for some of the ways that might help them engage and feel more at ease. Below are some strategies to support someone and make the conversation more comfortable.

Understand what social anxiety is

Social anxiety is more than shyness, it significantly impacts people’s daily lives and can be debilitating. Understanding how it affects people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviours can help you to be more aware of what the other person is going through. Check out find out more, topics list, or social anxiety books for more information.

Build connection

People with social anxiety may be hesitant to talk about themselves, fearing judgement or unwelcome attention. If you notice the person struggling to answer questions, consider sharing your own stories, thoughts, and interests first. Recognise that engaging in conversation isn’t always possible – for instance they are having a bad day, or their social anxiety is a little worse today. It can help to let some interactions naturally end without emphasising the person’s struggle to respond. Just say its “been great to see you” or “lets catch up again soon.” Anything that lets them know you are ok with being with them no matter what was said or how they responded.

Don’t draw attention to their social anxiety

Be careful about drawing any attention to someone’s social anxiety, especially in group settings or when you don’t know them well. Commenting on someone’s quietness, physical symptoms, lack of fluency etc – even if well-intentioned – is counterproductive and can re-enforce negative thoughts and anxiety symptoms.

Offer encouragement and opportunity for involvement

Providing words of encouragement and offering sincere compliments can instil confidence and challenge negative self-beliefs. You might say, “I really like what you said about…” or “I feel like this sometimes too”. These small gestures of support can make a significant difference in helping someone with social anxiety feel more comfortable. When encouraging involvement, approach the person gently and avoid putting them in the centre of attention.

Ask open ended questions

Open-ended questions about shared interests can help to start a conversation and make it easier for the person to engage.  Talking about topics that they’re passionate about is often less stressful than personal or vulnerable subjects. Show your interest with attentive body language and ask follow-up questions to keep the conversation flowing.

Avoid very broad questions like “Tell me about your life” or “Tell me what you’ve been up to”. Those can feel overwhelming and often the other person may not know where to begin. Instead, try questions like “what did you think of….” or “how’s it going with….”.

For more ideas, see our page on conversation skills.

Respect Boundaries

While gentle conversational encouragement to try a new activity – or stay talking a little longer – can sometimes be helpful, pushing someone to do something that is too hard for them is counterproductive. Many with social anxiety use exposure therapy and hierarchies to work through challenges in a step-by-step manner, without being flooded or overwhelmed.

Be mindful of eye contact and body language

People with social anxiety may find eye contact or body language challenging, especially in one-to-one or in enclosed group settings. If eye contact feels difficult, try looking at the middle of their face instead of directly into their eyes or shifting attention to something else in the space around you. If the situation allows, consider sitting to the side rather than directly face to face.

Allow some silence

Social anxiety is not always visible, but it can feel overwhelming for those experiencing it. This means there may be quiet times whilst they reorganise their thoughts or rebalance their focus of attention. Allow some space for silence, let them know you are comfortable without the need to always be talking.

Patience and understanding

Everyone’s social anxiety is different; there is no one size fits all. Subtle triggers like a new person joining the conversation or even certain topics (work, small talk, politics, humour) can increase or decrease anxiety. A situation that was ok one day can feel much harder the next.

People with SAD don’t necessarily relax the more time goes on, sometimes the anxiety just builds. See our page on the fight or flight response.

Some people with social anxiety choose to work through individual steps or challenges as part of exposure therapy . This is a way of building up skills in a gradual manner, rather than doing too much at once. On a particular day, or particular situation, they may have done all they can for now. If someone declines an invitation, or to stay longer, it’s often about managing their anxiety rather than rejecting you personally.

Those with social anxiety may take longer to open up than others, so your patience and continued support is essential.

Change of scene

If the other person still seems uncomfortable, avoid pushing them. Instead, consider suggesting a change of environment like going for a walk, a change of scene, or getting a drink. These small shifts may make the situation feel more manageable.

Talking to someone about their social anxiety

As someone becomes more comfortable, they may want to talk about their social anxiety. You can support this by letting them know you’re there to listen, or by gently bringing it up in a one-to-one setting when they seem ready.

It is important not to minimise what they tell you, even if their fears seem strange or unrealistic to you. Social anxiety is real and impactful and discussing may mean the person to be vulnerable. Instead of dismissing their concerns with phrases like “It’s not a big deal”, offer more empathetic and validating responses such as “I can see how that situation would make you feel this way” or “It’s human and okay to feel anxious”. If appropriate, you might share something of your own anxieties or vulnerabilities. This can help them to feel understood and less alone.

You could also help them to reframe their worries by asking questions like “What do you fear might happen?”, “What would make it easier for you?”. This approach can encourage them to think critically about their worries, which can be more effective than simply offering reassurance.

Finding further help

Be mindful of your own wellbeing and the limits of your support. Self-help is an option for some but you should seriously consider whether professional help may be needed. If this is something they’re considering, but anxious about starting, see what the NHS offers, talking to your GP or finding a private therapist

Please also see these links to international websites:

Verywellmind.com – how to talk to someone who has social anxiety disorder